Pretentions for exceptionality…
The burden that day after day became more and more unbearable. It wedged me in the corner of my own existence and kept me in captivity of my ambitions. The ambitions that would never allow me to devote to the moment and enjoy the peace and wholeness that it offers me.
Every time, when my ambitions felt the peace inside of me, they rushed to overtake me. They found me unprepared and once again forced me to kneel on the threshold of my own life.
Words… thanks God that they exist!
I used to search for salvation in my words. The pages were my shelter, where I had the opportunity to create and arrange the world, just the way I dreamed it.
I used to package the pain, the worries and the disappointments in words, which I poured on the fragile paper- the one, which was capable of bearing the heavy debris of a broken heart.
The fragile pages, which offered me room and freedom, in a world where limitations kept me in prison.
Pages, which silently soaked up my tears and stamped the memory of each of my transient weaknesses.
We spend our life chasing- people, a successful career, hopes, ambitions. We are too busy to direct our energy towards chasing the future and running away from the past, yet we never find time to stop today- here and now and enjoy life in all of its manifestations.
Every time when you chase something or when you try to get rid of it, you are left one step behind. And life is no exception. Every time when we are desperately chasing something, we are falling behind it and the only thing that is left is the thirst for meaning and the hunger to possess it. A thirst and a hunger, which day after day become stronger and exhaust both- our body and our soul. Day after day, they rob us from strength and turn us into hypnotized beings, which wander through the days of their own life, constantly searching for something, yet never finding it.
I remember moments in my life when I used to be exhausted- from chasing my sick ambitions and from a life robbed by the pretentions for exceptionality. There isn’t a narrower and darker cage than the one of your own existence. A cage, which you build on your own and you are the one who chooses to put the bars- then behind them you barricade your suffering and you get drowned in the unbearable nature of your own limitations.
And in reality, life is in the moment. Life is now, not in the past moment or at a place found in the future. We often have the bad habit to postpone the opportunity to experience what we are offered, because we are too busy to chase something in the future. We fool ourselves that when we get there, we will finally be happy and we will allow ourselves to experience, what we declined today. This is just the mask of the refusal to leave our comfort zone; to get detached from the security of the illusionary predictability, which we create with our imagination and with the preplanning of our future.
Just think about it! How often do you promise yourself, that when you achieve “X”or “Y”, you will allow yourself to do, what you declined today? And how many times, when you achieved a particular goal, you stopped for a moment, so you could enjoy your achievement? How many times did you stop for a moment and gave yourself, what you’ve been deprived of? Not a single time, right? Every accomplished goal, is just giving more “food” for your sick ambitions and it is forcing you to chase the next one, a greater one. We rush through life and at the end, when we are too exhausted, we stop and we realize that we missed the meaning, in the chase of the illusion.
A cliché, but a fact- everything we need is here and now- in today. Every day offers us a palette of opportunities and experiences and we have the freedom to choose among them and experience something different. Every day offers us the opportunity to experience something new, which will enrich us and make us a little more complete. Getting advantage of these opportunities is the only thing that could guarantee us the achievement of our goals.
Because the conquering of each goal is just the prize for what you become in your own essence. And the inner world and who you are, is being built by experiencing of today. Avoiding today, so you can chase tomorrow is just a way of destroying our inner world and instead of getting closer to the triumph, we are making a complete turn towards failure.
Life is today and only today could offer us what will take us to our goal.
Stop running away from yourself and your own life, because this way you are just becoming a “drunkard”, who is roaming around, wasting efforts for a cause, which is not leading you closer to happiness, but just robbing you out of the opportunity to experience it.
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