There are days when nothing manages to give you back your peace and calmness. Days when something inside of you is rebelling and each one of your tries to enjoy the silence, ends up with the deafening screams of pain and dissatisfaction, which suddenly overtook you.
Days, when it feels as if somebody imprisoned your soul and encaged it in your own body and nothing could simmer it down.
It was such a day. A day when you don’t do anything. No matter how bad you want to catch the “gate” of the daily’s rhythm, you are always one step forward or one step back. It was more than clear that no matter what I was trying to do, the result wouldn’t be good.
That’s why I decided to grab it’s hand… the hand of my soul. Then get it on the car and go for a ride. After all this is what I do when I can’t find myself! I go out and walk. Thus, somewhere on the road, I always find something, which helps me get back my completeness and teleport from the past or from the future…into the present moment.
That’s why I decided that such a walk would be helpful…even for Her.
I was driving on the empty, familiar streets. Something like a ride in the past. In order to remind Her what has happened. In order to push Her in the corner and show it the reality. Maybe that way I could get Her out of the illusion, that She allowed herself to sink in and drown.
Years go by. Sometimes we feel sorry that somewhere along the floors of life, we left something, that back in the days was really valuable. Something, which used to have value but in some way it did not resist the test of time and sank in oblivion.
No matter what is left in the past, we do not need to turn back on it and look for it. Something like kid’s toys. Which we leave behind, not because they are useless, but because we’ve overgrown them. Going back and clenching into them, would suit our personality today. It would make us look and feel funny and not grown.
There comes another moment, when we spend years searching for something, that seems to never come our way. And one day it just happens. Sometimes we are filled with sadness and we feel sorry that it did not happen earlier. We whine, why didn’t we take that path 5 or 10 years ago and we feel kind of screwed. As if we missed a couple years of happiness and unlimited opportunities. As if we missed the meaning, searching for it.
But truth is that no matter how cliché it may sound, in life everything comes just in time. When we have the inner responsibility to possess it; when we have the inner responsibility for it to be part of our lives.
I love observing my life. To connect the dots and reveal the logical in the , at first sight, skin deep chaotic situations and meetings. Sometimes people who back in the days used to be just an acquaintance, become your truest friends. In moments like this, I wonder why didn’t I notice them before that? Why I allowed myself to miss somebody who is so real and valuable, and why did I let him pass without paying enough attention and without noticing how wonderful he is and how much meaning and understanding he brings in my life?
Then I remember that we receive, what we could be responsible of. Then I remember that often times we miss real people, who earlier or later come back, to enter our lives. Just because in that particular moment we weren’t grown enough to appreciate their presence.
Just like for a child, the book is just an annoying intruder, for the adult it is a true friend. Because the value and the meaning, comes from our personal understanding and inner want to find the meaning.
Because the past is the “childhood” of our personal growth and all that is left is a memory. Everything that we should take are the lessons.
Because for everything, there is the right time and place and if we want to receive something we do not need to search for it. All we need to do is to work on ourselves… until we get to a point, where we can take the responsibility for it and where we will be good enough to pass the test of time…and deserve it.
Because today is a day, when the rhythm of the day, definitely does not fit the rhythm of my mind…
And even though I am not quite sure what I was trying to tell you…
… I just wanted to grab your hand and take you for a walk in the corridors of my mind…
… where on the walls are hanging frames with the lessons I learned, so every time I let myself forget them, they could be there to remind me of their existence and the moral they keep…
…where the future is waiting for me somewhere in the distance and where my daily choice to have faith in myself and what I am aiming for, always finds its way through the impossible, the limiting, so it could take me to the place where true and real people always come back!
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