It was just another night, when her inner emptiness would not allow her to sleep. As if inside of this emptiness, you could hear the echo of each disappointment, each failure, each inexperienced, but desperately longed moment of happiness. They were all echoing in her soul and filled up the evening silence with the burdening presence, that only loneliness could bring.
She was always feeling like this, when she was left alone- when she was deprived from the presence of somebody else. Somebody who could send off her own loneliness; somebody, who could help her forget that she is missing- her own self.
We live in a world, where we worship scarcity. We are always feeling as if we do not have enough or we are not enough. There is always something missing. The more we have, the more we need. Our life is something like a personification of the paradox of “having more”. The more you possess the more dependent you become on those possessions and the bigger the need and hunger for more.
Just think about a simple example, like buying an expensive car. A car, which more often than not, brings more trouble, than pleasure. You are now supposed to pay higher insurance, higher taxes, and more expensive parts for the sustainment of the car. Your worries grow bigger, because now you have more, that you could lose. Expensive possessions immediately switch your mindset and make you hungry for more. You are hungry for more money, more possessions, which could guarantee you the security and the comfort of having enough, so you can keep up with your new lifestyle.
We live in a society, which worships scarcity… and in the foundation of it, is the scarcity of the self. The inner emptiness, which most people are trying to fill up, by clenching into the material world. And after all everything is just some more material, which brings twice as much invisible emptiness. Invisible emptiness, which could be felt- stronger and more painful.
The scarcity of the self is a result from the fact that we are searching in the external world, what we lack in the inner world. We fail to accept our own self and that is why we search for approval in our peers. We do not love our own self, and that is why we search for love in others. What we do not nourish inside, is what we desperately search for and chase in the external world.
That is what I used to do. I used to never accept myself the way I am and I always looked for acceptance and approval in my peers. The more I searched for it, the more desperately I needed it and the less I had of it.
But doing it, I never got to satisfy the hunger of my soul- the one for self-acceptance and self-respect. I just fed it with temporary, transitory emotions, which were making deeper, the precipice, inside of me.
The more I tried to feel up my emotional emptiness with external sources of emotions, the more I disconnected with my own self and what had the potential to help me and the harder it became to get back on the path… to myself. The harder it became to find the happiness I looked for- the one I voluntary turned my back on- and each one of my choices was just a proof about it.
I call this having a false center. We allow something external to become the center of our own life, to become the main thing that brings meaning- a husband, a wife, job, kids, appearance. And every time, when the center moves away, every time when its direction does not correspond with our inner notions and desires, we are forced to endure the negative consequences. We endure,so this means we become a victim.
Being a human with unlimited potential, and allowing your life to be navigated by coincidence, by somebody else’s will and desires is the most discouraging, devastating feeling, that you could carry on your shoulders.
The true center in our own life- should be the individual itself. The true center should be the self. When the center of our life is turned inside, then we are not dependent on our surroundings, their transitory characteristics and unpredictability.
Then we have the freedom, to independently choose what we like, love or what brings us pleasure.
A lot of people don’t get to find their true center, because they are afraid of becoming egocentric, egoistic people. And in reality, they become exactly what they are afraid to be- egoistic. Their behavior is just another proof, that the roots of egocentrism are growing deeper.
Everything they do is driven by their desperate need to get the emotions they lack. And more often than not, people “love” others, so they can get approval, so they can feel appreciated; they do something for somebody, with the intention to feed the need of their ego to experience admiration and strengthen its false image. True love, and care and generosity, come, just when the center is inside of you.
Imagine it like this. You are the center of your own life, and what is inside of you is being projected in your surroundings. Everything you consist of, is being reflected on your surroundings. People and situations in your life are such, because you are such.
The projection in the external world is a result of “the tape” hidden inside of you. Every minimal change in your own essence, projects itself in the world around you. That’s why it is said, that you cannot love others, if you first don’t love yourself. Because when the “tape” inside of you has imprinted love, then you will project it in your surroundings. What you have inside, is what you are capable of giving others.
When you project scarcity, but in the same time you are feeling the huge emptiness inside of you, you can’t succeed. You can’t get abundance, out of scarcity. You feed the world with scarcity, and in the same time you expect it to give you abundance in return. It doesn’t happen like this. In nature you could never get something for nothing.
The abundance we look for comes when we let go of the dependence on the material world and turn inside- towards the self- the place, the only source, which could help us fill up the emptiness that is eating us inside.
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I do read Your blog. Great stuff. And this hit me right when I am feeling resentful of my external life. Truth stings.